I really wonder if he remembers me. I wonder what he's doing right now, what he's so busy with. I should be positive and think, maybe he's just hard at work still. But it's Saturday afternoon already (over there), is he really still working on what should be the beginning of his 96? But then that negative part of me starts flowing in... maybe he forgot me?

I guess I don't have it hard at all. The hardest part is being lonely, and having that part of me that's missing but can't be filled until too long it seems down the road.

Do you really think of me? Do you even really miss me? Can't possibly be half as much as I miss or think of you. I always feel like I'm giving way too much into this relationship.

He thinks of me all the time. It's really sad... I sometimes fear that maybe he thinks of me than you do. Maybe even loves me more? Such a shame it would be if it were true. Even though that shouldn't matter as much as who I love and who I want to be with. I am a pretty monogamous gal; I only want that one guy who I have my heart and mind set on.

I wonder if he puts me on the backburner. I know he's a hardworker and puts all his focus and attention on his job, but is a message so hard to send just to show that he's thinking of me? Even if he does come talk to me in the next couple days... I'm afraid I'll be bitter again. See how he'll feel if I stop talking to him for the next week.

I feel let down. His justifications wouldn't even matter.

*sigh*

So stressed! I have so much I have to do but all I want to do is keep to myself. Crawl up into a little ball maybe or hide away in my dungeon of a bedroom and watch movies online all day and night and maybe chit chat.

WORK! Covering for an e-7, stressing out about giving briefs about a subject I have no clue about to a colonel and not looking stupid, but rather mature and somewhat intelligent and confident. Yikes! I suuuck at public speaking. Practice, practice, practice-I canNOT let that part slide from my to do's list!!! Then I have the stupid poker run registration voluntold bullshit. Then I got my actual work... that last piece I did before the weekend that was the most complex thing I've ever had to do. Fucking sharai'ah law.

Then I have that two weeks of homework I can't manage to get myself to do. I really need a study area or a quiet working place. I can't do this at home, I can't ever focus or concentrate. I need the right environment. Home isn't work, they never worked hand in hand very well.

Also that stupid bullshit the Pughs want to put on me right now. Seriously, what is it? It has to be something more than "one of your Marines were hurt and you just ignored him." Maybe if you didn't blow up the story as much it wouldn't be as bad. But seriously, if they try to put this on me, this pure BULLshit, on top of all the other things I need to worry about, I guarantee the chaplain I'll go insane.

I've made up my mind. I know what I want while I'm here, and I'm going to try my very best to get it. It's the least I can do being knocked up and overseas. I want this sooo bad. It would definitely make all this bullshit I'm dealing with well worth it.

I hope this motivation doesn't ever fade. Thank you so much Sgt Roman.

Prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages.Prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages.Prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages.

I've run out of anyone I could talk to about this dilemma. What do I want?

I don't think I'm ready for this. I don't even want to be ready for this. I have so much more I have/want to do.

But how am I supposed to do that now?

How will I ever be free now?

I know he loves me, while I'm dying for him to give me one excuse to let him go. It would be so much easier than sitting, waiting around for us to be together again. Just misuse me, give me time to get over you and I will.

But it was my mistake, my fault to let it get this far. Now there's no turning back. There's no option of abortion.

Please help me God...